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If you're looking for the final episode of SEINFELD, look no further! I secretly scavenged through Hollywood's favorite New York boy's trash can and struck garbage, the biggest piece of garbage there is, the script for the final episode of SEINFELD!!!


Seinfeld is performing onstage. He gracefully maneuvers the microphone stand, blocking all the food items thrown at him.

SEINFELD: Who are these comedians on TV shows? How do they get them small enough to fit into the TV sets? Why am I asking you all these questions? Who am I, the F.B.I.?


Seinfeld and George are walking down the street near their favorite diner. They pass the time with another pointless conversation.

SEINFELD: Hey, George, wanna get something to eat?

GEORGE: Why are you asking me all these questions, Jerry? Who are you, the F.B.I.?

SEINFELD: You ever notice how we always repeat ourselves?

GEORGE: Stop it with the questions!

SEINFELD: (Annoyed) So do you wanna get something to eat or what?

GEORGE: Look at me. Of course I want to eat. Lend me some money. I'm broke.

SEINFELD: Lend you money? Is that some kinda anti-semetic remark?


Seinfeld and George are seated at a table booth. In comes Kramer and Elaine.

SEINFELD: Hey, it's Kramer and Elaine. What are you guys doing here?

KRAMER: We always eat together. We're too cheap to buy our own food.

SEINFELD: Cheap? Is that another anti-semetic remark?

GEORGE: (With turkey sandwich crumbs sprinkling out of his stuffed mouth) There's not enough room for anyone else to squeeze into my booth. (Burp)

After Elaine pushes George to make room for herself at the table and they have ordered, the snappy SEINFELD banter continues.

KRAMER: (Forks some of Jerry's food) You want your eggs, Elaine?

ELAINE: Yes, I want to have kids someday.

Kramer begins a series of his trademark convulsions. No one pays any attention until his nervous twitches last a little too long.

ELAINE: Oh, my God!!! Kramer's choking!!! Give him the Heimlick maneuver, Jerry!!!

SEINFELD: Heimlick maneuver? What am I, a Nazi?

ELAINE: Help him, George!

GEORGE: I can't. I'm an often-unemployed loser.

ELAINE: So what?

GEORGE: If I'm too lazy to work, what makes you think I'd get off my seat and hug another man from behind?

Kramer chokes up gooey chunks of partially-digested food all over the table.

ELAINE: Yuck! It looks like a supermodel's been here.

GEORGE: You barfed on my food! Now it's going to taste bad when I eat it!

Kramer quickly recovers and begins to manically clean up his mess. He slips on some gunk that spilled on the floor and slides across the diner.

GEORGE: Damn scene-stealer.

ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry's the star.

SEINFELD: Star? Like the star of David? Stop it with these Jew jokes!


Kramer barges into Jerry's apartment. George enters behind him.

KRAMER: Jerry, I need to borrow some of your food.

SEINFELD: For what?

KRAMER: I'm learning the Heimlick maneuver, and I need some food to choke on.

SEINFELD: Why don't you choke on your hair.

KRAMER: I need food to get the real experience. There's no sub... (makes a popping sound with his lips) ...stitute.

SEINFELD: Go ahead, help yourself. I've got a date, and I have to get ready.

Kramer sticks his head into the refrigerator and rummages through it.

KRAMER: Going out with another 17 year old?

SEINFELD: No, I'm dating Mrs. Goldberg's baby daughter. I told her I'd be babysitting.

GEORGE: Wow, a date with a young babe and 6 dollars an hour! You're the man.

SEINFELD: The man? I told you not to use street slang on my show. I want to represent New York City as a place devoid of blacks and Hispanics.

Kramer starts choking.

KRAMER: (Cough) (Gasp) Now, George... the Heimlick maneuver!

George hugs Kramer from behind and squeezes with all his heterosexual strength. Mucus-covered chunks spew from Kramer's mouth onto Jerry.

SEINFELD: AAAAAAHHHH!!! You ruined my suit!!! This is the "Seinfeld" show, not the "Exorcist!"

GEORGE: Yeah, shame on you, Kramer. You're wasting food... Get me a straw and a spoon.

While George sucks the regurgitated food off Jerry's clean floor, Jerry makes a grand announcement with sweeping arm motions.

SEINFELD: Kramer, how could you be so mean as to ruin my chances of molesting an innocent toddler? I took all I can stands and I can't stands no more! I quit!


Part 1
Part 2
Part 3 
Bookmark This Site and check every week for new material. I will not rest until I bring the gift of laughter to everyone in the world... or at least the people with computers. I don't care about those primitive places without computers... or fire.
- Stephen King-Of-Comedy

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